May 11, 2005
Silver Fox
In a week's time I'll be 38. I mention this, obviously, so you can all shower me with cards and gifts and flowers next Wednesday. Also because it seems a suddenly daunting prospect. I'm not usually hung up about my age, and this ought to be one of those nondescript numbers that passes barely remarked. It's not like it has a big, hollow, echoing zero on the end. But, for whatever reason, it just strikes me as... well, in the words of Roxie Hart:
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
Not that the truth really matters, but I'm gonna tell you anyway:
I'm older than I ever intended to be!
I resent getting old. Not that I am old, of course, before you all rush to reassure me. (What do you mean you weren't about to?) But the clock is certainly ticking, and I resent it.
I resent the expectations of age. I resent telling people mine and having them feign disbelief and tell me how much younger I look. What is the point of that? What does it mean? What does 30 look like? Or 40? Or 50?
My father was 65 last week, but he generally seems to have more vim than me, more joie de vivre.
And I resent the actuality of age. The gradual decay of faculties. The ossification. I'm still in reasonable shape, I can probably think nearly as well ever, but I have the sense of decline; and the sense of ineluctability. Life thickens around me, possibilities narrow, the great branching tree of choices is gradually pruned away to nothing. To a little topiary animal, maybe. The body will wither, the mind senesce. And (thank you Ryan) I'll never ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in my hair.
Fuck me, this really is a classic mid-life crisis kind of post, isn't it?
Or perhaps just a mid-week crisis.
Blech. Maybe I'll just post another photo instead.
Not that the truth really matters, but I'm gonna tell you anyway:
I'm older than I ever intended to be!
Posted by matt at May 11, 2005 08:00 PM
Comments
Well, as someone else who is going to be 38 very soon (a month tomorrow, in fact) I can only agree with you.
I don't like being old, and I don't like being fat. I particularly dislike having suffered from an old person's disease (my ulcer) for the best part of ten years. That's depressing.
Posted by: Dunx at May 11, 2005 10:51 PM
As long as you keep flying I really don't see how you could ever grow old. Cheers!
Posted by: ryan at May 12, 2005 01:51 AM
I don't suppose that it used to feel this way. That is, when you were 25, were you a rosy-specs wearing nutjob who thrilled at the thought of growing older? That scenario rings a bell.
If you keep your health, you'll have more than the state pension to look forward to; there's so many things that you can enjoy, like climbing extinct volcanos on arthritic knees. All you need is a lottery windfall. I hope the photograph helped; it's nice and uncluttered and worth reflecting upon. Posted by: Stairs at May 12, 2005 08:33 AM
If you keep your health, you'll have more than the state pension to look forward to; there's so many things that you can enjoy, like climbing extinct volcanos on arthritic knees. All you need is a lottery windfall. I hope the photograph helped; it's nice and uncluttered and worth reflecting upon. Posted by: Stairs at May 12, 2005 08:33 AM
Take the Eurostar to Brussels and we'll hire a sports car, drive to Paris and you can feel the wind in your hair.
Never say never.
Posted by: Daniel at May 14, 2005 08:03 PM
Hmm, my reply seemed very bad tempered. It wasn't meant to be.
Happy birthday.
Posted by: Dunx at May 16, 2005 09:48 PM
[Dunx] Thanks. It didn't seem especially bad tempered to me, just honest. Congratulations on the ride, btw.
[Ryan] I'm afraid I've been pretty earthbound this year. Though still officially enrolled, I've managed to fly only a handful of times, certainly not enough to keep me young.
[Stairs] Not thrilled, no. But it never caused me much concern. Times change.
[Dan] It's a deal :)
Posted by: matt at May 16, 2005 10:38 PM
Comments for this post are now closed, but feel free to email me if you have something interesting to say.
