Shadow

It has been a difficult week, and not just for me. Several bystanders have been subjected to the dessicating blast of my misery; some even survived.

Somewhere along the line, a friend described to me a period when he was just a shadow of his former self. I didn't really connect to that at first, perhaps because I couldn't make it fit the vivacious character I thought I knew, but as the days passed I came to a similar recognition.

I am not this person.

I've never been blindly happy and optimistic. I've always been ambivalent and cynical, but I used to be strong and fun and lively with it. I come across evidence of that other Matt sometimes, and I like him. I want him back.

I don't despise weakness in others, and can sometimes even forgive it in myself, but how can I not despise the flimsy, desperate wraith I'm currently impersonating? How did it -- how did I -- come to this?

Well, I know how, really. Some of you know at least some of it too. Let's not retrace those steps into gloom: it would take us nowhere, by the dullest path. Things happened, things failed to happen, and they hurt. Some of them hurt a lot. But they were just things.

Right now it seems like I should have been able to get through those things better. I didn't have to let it all get on top of me. I could have kept my bearings and kept my perspective and kept my self. But that's just more grim self-flagellation, another route back into the mire.

The fact is, I didn't get through those things better, and here I am now: a shadow of my former self. Things can really hurt, and you can forget who you are, that's just how the world is. I blame myself, of course, but I'm not going to mete out punishment. At least, I'm going to try not to.

Blame doesn't matter. What matters is tonight, and tomorrow; next week, next month, next year. I am not who I want to be, but at least I know it now. I'm starting to remember the one who's lost and I think I can find him.

I think he wants to be found.
Posted by matt at October 16, 2004 02:07 AM