Truths

Christophe asks:

An excellent question (or two). At the moment I have a pretty clear idea of the answer, but that's purely circumstantial. If you were to ask me again in six months I'd most likely say something completely different.

At the moment I think my biggest mistake happened back in 1985, when I denied what turns out to be a fundamental part of my nature, spurning the call of science in favour of the siren song of entertainment. Back then nothing seemed more exciting than the prospect of working in the dream factory -- and I had a bit of an inverted-snob attitude about academic achievement. In the intervening (fuck) two decades I have pretty much turned 180° on this. I am convinced of the utter worthlessness of every ambition I had then, and rather wish I'd opted for a career in mathematics or physics.

But: would I do it differently? I'm glad it's a choice I'll never face, but on balance I think not. It could easily be that I'd have learned to despise academia as much as I currently do the media. I would, in all likelihood, have been an indifferent mathematician, an uninteresting physicist. I feel no particular compulsion to leave a mark on history in any case -- and can't imagine a plausible way in which I could -- but the scientific vocation would, most likely, not have led to my doing so.

Although it's far from perfect, there's little about my life that I would be willing to give up. If I'd elected to ensconce myself in the ivory towers of Oxbridge and dwell on the abstruse, I would have missed out on most of the experiences that make me who I am. There would have been other experiences, and perhaps the other me they created would be as unwilling to surrender them as I am mine, but this is my life and this is my answer.

Ryan asks:

#1 is easy. I have only a vague opinion of Americans in general, but that opinion is fundamentally optimistic. I've expressed my feelings about America before hereabouts, and certainly they are not unambivalent. There can be no doubt that the USA is a great nation, and on the whole its people are exemplars of that greatness. Much of what America stands for I truly love; and many of the things I hate can be excused, or brushed aside, or branded as aberrant. The current leadership is in every sense hateful, and the whole project is way too in thrall to individualism and ownership, but still, it is a beautiful dream. Most of the Americans I know, in person or through the Internet, are lovely; as averages go, that's enviable. Plenty of others are clearly moronic scum -- moronic scum with guns -- but there's no arguing with Sturgeon's Law.

#2 is an incredibly sadistic question: five verses? Jesus H Christ! How many songs even have that many? I'm not sure whether truth is going to come into it, but I will have a go at this. Just not quite now.

#3 is tricky. I have (as you probably know) a tattoo, and have no qualms about it four years on. Still, permanence and visibility do complicate matters. I like my forehead as it is.

I am tempted by "Queer" -- I am not defined by my sexuality, but I am not ashamed of it, am proud of it, happy for it to be in the public domain. Those who would attack me for it should have it shoved down their throats. It is not important, but their hatred makes it so, and I would be happy to be an emblem against them.

I am tempted by "Atheist" -- theism is such a vector for idiocy that it fair makes the mind boggle, and someone should stand against that. We come back to my ambivalence about America: a country founded on the principle of separation of church from state turns out to be the most religious nation on Earth, a country in which an apparent majority of the population would hold atheism as justification in and of itself for barring someone from holding office. If I were a citizen of the USA, rather than of (I am proud to say) the most atheistic country in the world, I think "Atheist" would be the one. If you're going to be disfigured by a word, it had better be a good one; one with power.

I am tempted by "Magic" -- which makes the world go around, which refuses to be pinned down, which is, despite everything, a driving force in our lives. Who can resist the lure of magic? It exists -- as a harsh rationalist, as a scientist, I have no doubt of this -- magic is who we are. I'm not talking about eye of newt and toe of frog, or dancing naked in the woods trying to summon the spirits (although, you know, whatever turns you on), I'm talking about wonder and beauty and joy and trust. Magic is just a wacky word for all the things that make life special, the tricks of memory and sensation and cognition that entwine to thrill the human heart.

Oh, I am so, so tempted by "Love" -- inevitably. Who could argue against love? Even if nothing else is right, love is. Who cares if it is a throwaway product of biology, a conspiracy of hormones, a crass replicative strategy? Love is a many-splendoured thing; love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love.

But, let's face it: love has enough champions already. Every motherfucking wannabe popstar, every embittered indie rebel, every author, every artist, every saint, everyone is fighting for love. Every genocidal machete-wielding ethnic cleanser, every serial killer, every spam-happy advertising cretin is, in their own fucked-up way, on the side of love. Love of god, love of country, love of Coca Cola, love of a well-lubricated sexual partner. Love is hard-wired into the human psyche. It doesn't need me.

So, in the end, my choice is: "Reason" -- reason subsumes queer, and atheist, and magic, and love. Reason is what separates us (though not very far) from the animals. Reason is why those who hate are wrong, and those who love are right. I am a pacifist by nature, but if called to I would fight for reason. Sooner or later you have to stand up for what you believe in, and I believe in this. When the dark times come, when England turns into Yugoslavia or Rwanda, when the Armalites are passed from door to door and battle joins against the forces of darkness, on one side there will be the armies of irrationality, the fundamentalists and creationists and hate-mongers and purse-lipped readers of the Daily Mail, and on the other side there will be us -- there will be me.

Of course, that's never going to happen.
Posted by matt at April 23, 2004 01:28 AM